Synopsis of Never Saw It Coming

OK, so we just reread the previous posting, Never Saw It Coming, and I have to tell you, it didn't make a lick of sense to us, and and I'm the one who wrote it. Perhaps it's because we were running on 2 hours sleep in the previous twenty four hours when it was written. Here is a clearer synopsis of that posting.

I found out two days ago that the Margaret Josephine Holliday on my birth certificate was a total alias. You see, it turns out that my guardian mother (remember there was no adoption) was actually my aunt. My birth mother was the younger sister of my guardian mom. A family member finally told me the whole story. As he put it, it wasn't a pretty story, but it was a sweet one.

My birth mother, who was 3 months shy of her 14th birthday was "taken advantage of" by a boyfriend of my grandmother. After my birth, a childhood friend of my guardian mom's took me to her home for about 6 months "until things settled down" and my guardian parents decided they wanted me. They wanted to keep me in the family and they were the only ones in the family who were in a position to be able to take on the responsibilities of a baby.

My birth mother visited me often and cared for me and loved me until her death due to cancer 3 years later.

He said that everything they did, from falsifying my birth certificate to dreaming up a "neat and tidy" story to give me and everyone else was done to "protect" me from the fact that I was a product of a crime.

I cannot even begin to find the words to express how freeing it is to finally have the truth.

I Never Saw It Coming

Sorry it took so long to get this posted, but we had to take some time try to get our heads wrapped around this and contact some family members because we never saw this coming.

In Could It Be? Part II, I told you that I had talked to my very favorite cousin who said that she thought she remembered her mom saying that Lois was my birth mother. She also suggested that I talk to her older brother, T, because he was older and had a mind like a trap; once something gets in, he doesn't forget it. T is my guardian mother's sister's son. He, all my life, treated me like I was someone so very special to him. To me he was like a super great big brother, only without the sibling squabbles :)

Well, I emailed him, and he emailed back. Here is an excerpt of that email. My portions are in blue and his responses are in red: Does the name Lois Spencer ring a bell? If so, do you know how she plays into this? Yes.. I remember Lois well, Shar.. but she was not a member of the family but she was a very nice friend of our family. Could she be my birth mom, (No) or the one who got me from my birth mom and brought me to Harold and Juanita? Yes. L said she thought that your mom told her that Lois was my birth mother, but I have a copy of my original birth certificate and that's not the name listed for my birth mother. No.. Lois just kept you for a short while.. then you came back into the family. L wasn't born yet so she wouldn't remember a thing. The name listed on your birth certificate was an alias. Sorry, Sweetheart.. I know EXACTLY who your Mom was but I thought that you knew too... :(( Shar, Your REAL Mom was my very best Friend and protector when I was very, very little; she used to call me her "Sporty". The story isn't pretty, Sweetheart.. call me and I'll tell you all I know; I'm so sorry that I hadn't checked on that detail after your Dad (that would be my guardian dad) died.. thought he'd covered that base, I guess, but apparently not; in a way it's a very Sweet story....... On the other hand, I've had people from all over the country (called Search Angels) looking for the one who is listed, and no one could find a shred of evidence that she ever existed. No.. nor will they ever, of course... I know this is a long shot, but do you happen to have any pictures of this Lois? The reason I'm asking is because I did find a nephew of the man listed on my birth certificate as my birth father, Everett George Colwell. Everett's gone now, but the nephew sent me a couple of pictures of Everette's old girlfriends. One of them, I swear, is my birth mother. But, who is she? Is it Lois? I just don't know. Everett Colwell MIGHT or might NOT be your Father.. the name rings a bell but then.. I was only about 2-3 years old when you where born... Fear not.. I DO know who your Mom was... It would be nice to see the pictures you have.. I may know something about them too...Gosh, T, sorry for quizzing you like this, but anything that you might remember would be a huge help and appreciated more than you will ever know. Even a tiny, seemingly insignificant, thing you remember might just be the key to unlock this whole mystery. You wouldn't ever be able to guess, Sweetie!! :) You'll know most everything shortly, Sweet Girl.. but it would be better if we talked.. that way if you have any questions I'd be able to share what I know...

OMG!!! "Lois had you a while...then you came back into the family"!!!!! My birth mother was a blood relative to my guardian mom! My mind was racing while I dialed the phone. Busy signal. It couldn't be my guardian mom's two older sisters. Busy signal. They were already married and started their families. Busy signal. Crap, phone ring! Am I dialing the wrong number? Try again! It couldn't be my guardian mom's little sister. Busy signal. She would have only been 13 or 14 when I was conceived. Busy signal. Damn it phone, RING!!! Maybe it was one of my guardian mom's cousins I hadn't known about. "Hello? T? It's your cousin Shar."

I'm sure I woke him up. It was after midnight where he was. "Well hello", he said and then there was nothing but still air as if he was waiting for me to tell him why I was calling. I wanted to jump through the phone and drag the answers out of him. Now, in hind sight, I'm sure he was just trying to get his brain awake. Finally he started talking. "Before HS, (HS was the second husband of my guardian mom's mother. He was the one who shot and killed her) there was another man in grandma's life." "Grandma's my birth mother?" I don't have a clue why I lept to that conclusion. Patiently, he said "noh". "This man was not a very nice man." No s_ _ _, I thought, grandma never had any luck in finding a good man. "He took advantage of a sweet innocent child, P. Dear heart, your mother is P." P was my guardian mom's little sister! She was not quite fourteen when she was "taken advantage of". She had died of cancer when I was about 3 years old. My head was swimming, I had to put my head down on the counter I was standing at.

He went on to explain that the family did everything possible to keep it "hush-hush" to protect me. They used a fake name, age and every thing else, for my mother on my birth certificate. They sent me off to live with Lois until things "settled down" and my guardian parents decided they wanted to take me. There was no adoption because I was kept in the family.

I had so many more questions, but I wasn't capable of hearing any more of the story. Immediately after we hung up, Kim and I ran to get out the photo albums that my guardian dad had put together. There on the first page was a clue that we hadn't noticed before. There on the first page was a high school picture of P. All around it were baby pictures of me in the arms of my guardian mom.

Thank you T, for telling me the truth of my beginnings. I will always be grateful to you.

Could It Be? Part II

Over the weekend, Kim put four pictures side by side so that all of us could compare all four at once. The first picture was of M and Lois' grandmother on their father's side. The next picture, we call the lady on the rocks was a picture that the nephew of my birth father (Everett Colwell) sent me. It is a picture of one of Everett's girl friends. The third picture was a recent one of me, and the last was one of me taken 16 years ago.

When I saw all of the pictures lined up like that, it appeared to me that the "lady on the rocks" and my sixteen year ago picture were a match. And it also looked to me that my recent picture and the one of Lois and M's grandmother matched through the eyes. But was that just wishful thinking? I didn't know, but maybe?

We emailed the composite off to M. She quickly emailed back and said she was sure she is my Aunt M. She saw the same similarities I did and she was absolutely certain that "the lady on the rocks" is her sister, Lois. She sent the pictures to her daughter, J and another daughter. J sent the pictures to her daughter who is now in Afghanistan. All of them reported seeing family in all 4 pictures!

Last night, I got a phone call from my very favorite cousin. She is the daughter of my guardian mom's sister. As we cousins were growing up, to me, it felt more like we were sisters instead of cousins. She had been following our blog and felt she just had to call. Her mom had told her over the years bits and pieces of how I came to my guardian parents. She asked "do you know the name..." and before she could finish, I said "Lois". She said "Lois" and her last name, "I was waiting for you to say Lois" she said. She went on to say that this Lois was who she thought her mom told her my birth mother was! My heart leaped. Could it be.............?

We're planning on a trip to Florida to see M and her daughter, J in November. Today, I got information and pricing on DNA testing. I plan to take a DNA test kit with me when we go.

Could It Be?

OK, now the roller coaster goes up!

In my August 28 blog titled My Beginning, I talked about a lady named Lois who was a childhood friend of my guardian mom. I was told that Lois took me home from the hospital with her. I lived in her home for the first 6 months of my life until she brought me to my guardian parents.

Back in 1993, I had contacted Lois, who by then was living in Florida. She gave me the story that she met my birth mother at the OBGYN's office after she had had a miscarriage. My birth mother told her that she couldn't keep "the baby" and didn't know what to do. Lois told her that she would take "it" and met her out side the hospital doors and left with me. During the 6 months that I lived in her home, she called me Lois Ann. She claimed that she hadn't known my birth mother before then and she didn't know where she went. I asked her if her sister (I'll call her M) might know something and she begged me not to call her, saying the "she's had a hard life and this would upset her too much". She seemed so sincere about the condition of her sister that I could practically picture a poor, frail, ill woman. Who could call and "upset" someone in that condition?

Years passed and thanks to the Internet, I recently was able to find a phone number for M and gave her a call. I have to tell you that this woman is an awesomely incredible dynamo. She felt bad that Lois told me a story about her that wasn't true at all. She made me feel welcomed into her life and with each email and phone call, I could feel her love across the country. I sent her pictures of myself and she sent me a picture of herself and Lois. She and her daughter, J (who is also an awesomely incredible dynamo) have taken a deep interest in my search for my birth mother. So much so, that after an 8 hour drive to visit her sister Lois, whom she hadn't seen in 3 years, she asked Lois about "the baby" who lived with her for a while. She took time out of a visit with her sister to ask about me! Of course, Lois claimed to not remember anything about "the baby". Now M could have dropped it there with a "sorry, can't help you", but she didn't. Instead, she encouraged me to keep plugging away.

A few weeks later M's daughter J was in Southern California for business. She rented a car and drove 50+ miles to visit us, people she had never met before, for a Saturday afternoon. While here, she told us that she and her mom were very interested and wanted to help. She asked questions and gave information that she had.

Yesterday, again thanks to the Internet, I got Lois' phone number. My heart was pounding and I started to dial hung up, paced, and started to dial again over and over. Finally, I finished dialing and waited for an answer. She answered! I couldn't hang up now because I hate when I get hang ups. "Lois? I don't know if you remember me, this is Sharon, Harold and Juanita's daughter." Not only did she remember me, but she went into her story of how she met my birth mother at the doctor's office, took me home and called me Lois Ann. She kept stressing that "your mother gave you to me and I gave you to Harold and Juanita". She went on to say that I wasn't adopted because they didn't get involved in the courts because "she gave you to me and I gave you to them." This time she told me that she was at the doctor's office because she was pregnant. Really? Her first child was born in '46, I was born in '48 and her next child was born in '50. Did she have a 2 year pregnancy?

I asked her questions like "Did you know her before?" No "What was her name? Does Margaret Josephine Holliday ring a bell" She said she never new her name and that name didn't ring a bell." Huh? She took home the baby of a woman she had barely met and didn't even know her name?

This conversation got me thinking: "Was I a stolen baby? Is that why they wanted to avoid the courts? Was Lois really my birth mother? Maybe that's why they wanted to avoid the courts, she had used a fake name and therefore couldn't prove she was my birth mother when it came time to sign the papers."

I emailed M with the question of could it be possible that Lois was my birth mother. A flurry of email ensued. M emailed that she thought it could be possible that Lois was my birth mother. M sent me a picture of her grandmother because she thought she saw some similarities between us. I sent her a picture of Everett's girl friends. M replied that the one of the lady on the rocks looked like Lois and one of Lois' daughters. Later she emailed that the more she looked at it the more sure she is that it was Lois.

Could it be? Time will tell. I'm checking into getting DNA testing done. If Lois is my birth mother, I will have one absolutely fantastic aunt in M and an awesome cousin in J. If she isn't my birth mother, well, we now have two fabulous friends.

Not a Slam Dunk, Part II

Now that I've told my story of the search for my birth mother in the first "Not a Slam Dunk", I'll tell about my search for my birth father.

Because my birth name was Baby Girl Colwall, I assumed that my birth father's last name was Colwall, but initially, I didn't have a first name. Once I found out what his first name was, I started searching phone directories in my local area for him. Since this was prior to the ability to do "people searches" via the Internet, I had to rely on information operators doing look-ups for me. In 1991 I called an information operator in New York state, and explained that I didn't know what city to look in but I was looking for a phone number for an Everett George ColwAll. She came back saying that she couldn't find an Everett George ColwAll, but found an Everett G. ColwEll in Parish NY and she gave me the number.

I nervously dialed the number. When the gentleman answered, I naively told him that I was looking for my birth parents and did he know a Margaret Josephine Holliday. The reason I say naively is because after all these years of searching, I've learned that it's not a good idea to blind side someone with that you think he/she is your birth parent and you should never tell a third party who answers the phone that you think the person you are calling about is your birth parent. There are several reasons why, and I will talk about them in another blog. Anyway, Mr. Everett George Colwell sort of chuckled, said something about his wife's name not being Margaret and there were no Margarets in his Colwell family. He offered to have his then 80+ year old mother, Alma, send me a list of the Colwell women in his family to prove that there were no Margaret's in his family.

The letter with the list arrived about a week later. Sure enough, there were no Margarets listed. Alma then went into detail about who in the Colwell family was buried where and where to go in their county to get more genealogy information if that would help me find my birth mother. Thanks Alma, I really appreciate your efforts, and it was so sweet of you to do that, but that wasn't what I had asked your son.

I sort of thought that just maybe I had talked with my birth father, but because he didn't give any indication one way or another, and because his last name was spelled a little differently than my birth name, and because I hadn't really checked to see if there were other Everett George Colwalls in other states, I thought I would leave this one alone for a while. I didn't want to make trouble for him if it turned out he wasn't my birth father. He was married. I didn't know if he was married before I was conceived or after, but if he was married before, it could make trouble between him and his wife. She might wonder if he was fooling around on her. I left finding my birth father alone and started focusing more on finding my birth mother.

Fast forward to the early 2000's. By now searching on the Internet was more common and user friendly. I posted on places like Ancestry.com and other genealogy sites. Then I started learning about web sites for adoptees who were searching and posted on several of them. I started again looking for an Everett George ColwAll. Couldn't find a single ColwAll in the country except one or two who died in the 1700 and 1800's. Search Angles started sending me listings for and Everett George ColwEll, but the listings showed him as having died in Tennessee. I kept thinking that "this couldn't be him, my Everett wouldn't be in Tennessee because my birth certificate said that he was New York born and bred (how dumb is that?), and his age didn't match at all what my birth certificate said he would be." My birth certificate said that he was 32 at the time of my birth. This guy would have only been 24 at the time of my birth.

I dug in harder looking for either an Everett George ColwAll or Everett George ColwEll. I had Search Angels and other people investigating for me and with me. None of us could come up with another Everett George ColwAll or ColwEll. We tried different variations of spelling the last name and still couldn't come up with anyone. Every one kept coming back to me with this same person.

Finally, I relented and decided to try to locate a member of the family of this Everett. After a few weeks and with the help of a couple of Search Angels, I was able to locate a nephew of Everett's.

Again, I nervously dialed the phone; this time thinking that I could actually be speaking with a cousin I had never known. The gentleman on the other end WAS Everett's nephew. He said that he knew his uncle quite well as Everett had sort of taken him under his wing when the nephew was a young boy. I knew that I was breaking a cardinal rule about not revealing to third parties that the person you were looking for was your birth parent. But this guy seemed so kind, friendly and non judgemental. I told myself that Everett and Alma were gone and if his Everett was my birth father, I wanted to be up front with him right off the bat. It was a gamble that could have back fired in a big way, but fortunately it didn't.

We talked a while, and he told me that it was quite possible that his Everett could be my birth father because Everett did have a few girl friends before he settled down to get married late in life. Everett and his wife did not have any children together. He also said that Everett's wife was quite a few years older than Everett. So now I'm thinking "that could explain the discrepancy in age on my birth certificate. Maybe my birth mother was older than he and he lied about his age to make it look like he was the older one". Back in the "40's and '50's it was a big deal that the man be older than the woman.

The nephew gave me a little Colwell family history. The family originated in Ireland. He told me that Everett had a brother who had passed away and a sister who was still alive (she is gone now).

Unfortunately, nephew didn't know any names of Everett's girlfriends. The only one still alive who might remember the girlfriends names was Everett's sister. The only problem was that Evelyn thought the world of Everett and couldn't bear to think that he wasn't a virgin when he got married, little lone having an illegitimate child. So to bring news to her that one had come crawling out of the woodwork, well you get the picture.

Nephew emailed me a few pictures of Everett and two of his girlfriends and I emailed him a few pictures of myself. He showed my pictures to some of his family and they reported "You look like you could be a Cowell". I don't see a huge resemblance of Everett in me, but one of the girlfriends has many of my features. Maybe? Just maybe? Could she be my Margaret? And, if she was my birth mother, then would that mean that Everett was indeed my birth father? Nephew tried to find out the names of the ladies in the pictures, but no one knew. All that was on the backs of the pictures was "Everett" or "Everett and girlfriend". Drat!! Foiled again!!

I sent away to the Social Security Administration for a copy of Everett's card application. You can do that for a $27 fee if the person is deceased. It can give you information on a person's date and location of birth, parent's names and mother's maiden name. I got that back and right around the same time, I received a copy of some of Everett's military records. As I was browsing through the documents, I discovered that Everett had been in the military for 4 years, out for a few years, then back in for 4 more years. During that middle time he was out of the military, he was working in Syracuse not far from where I was told that my birth mother was from. He was in that area at the time I was conceived. "Well", I thought, "the time frame certainly fits". Then I was going through the documents again and I saw it! His signature! His own handwriting! My knees almost buckled! His handwriting matched mine to a tee! Exactly! I had never in my life seen any one's hand writing look like mine. I looked at the application for his Social Security card. There it was again, his signature looking exactly like mine. He had printed out the rest of the form and lo and behold his printing looked just like mine did when I was in my early 20's. That awkward, I'd rather be doing this in cursive kind of printing. It was block printing just like I did before I worked on trying to make my printing look more like cursive letters only not connected.

I PDFed Nephew a copy of the documents and told him about the handwriting thing. His comment was "One more piece of proof that he's your father." I am 99.9% sure that this Everett is my birth father. Of course, the only way to be 100% sure is through a DNA test. Unfortunately, at this time there are no tests that can for sure determine if Nephew and I are cousins. Everett's sister passed away this past June. But even if she were still alive, there are no DNA tests that would prove 100% that she is my aunt. When that technology comes out, you bet I will be first in line for the testing.

What Took You So Long to Start Looking?

That's one question I frequently get asked. Here's the math: I've been searching for 20+ years and I'm sixty years old so I didn't really start searching until I was in my late 30's. For most of the 20+ years I've been searching, it was a half-hearted search; not the passionate full out search I'm doing now. But why? Why now and not sooner?

I wish I had and easy answer, but I don't. I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to answer that question. I can come up with a lot of reasons, but whether speaking them out loud or writing them down, they all sound like a bunch of excuses.

My guardian parents made me the center of their world from day one. I remember my guardian dad spending hours with me out in the garage teaching me how to make things out of wood, how to paint windows, how to change the oil on the car, teaching me how to drive (he was the most patient man in the world), taking me fishing and on and on. From him I learned several life lessons, including overcoming ones fears. As far as he was concerned, I was daddy's little girl even if I didn't share his genes. And to me he will always be my dad.

My guardian mom, though she was not a huggy kissy kind of mom, loved me, worried about my safety when my dad and I were off on our adventures, doted on me when I was sick, held me accountable when I misbehaved, taught me about gardening and sewing (but I just couldn't get the hang of knitting as much as she tried). From her, I also learned many life lessons, including taking responsibility for one's actions. As far as she was concerned, I was her daughter. And to me, she will always be my mom.

So was it out of respect for them that I waited so long to start searching in earnest? I don't think so because, although they were dedicated to being the best possible parents, I resented the fact that they knew who my birth mother was and wouldn't tell me.

As a teen girl, I asked my mom all sorts of questions about my birth mother. All she would tell me was that she looked something like me, was about my height, and could "get heavy if she let herself go". She said she thought my birth mother was from the Utica, NY area and that my birth mother used to visit me off and on until I was about 5 years old when my guardian dad drove her to the bus station as she was on her way to the Chicago area. If I pressed her with more questions, she would go into stories about my birth mother that made my birth mother look like a really bad person. If after that, I still continued to ask questions (I was kinda pushy with my questions), my guardian mom would quip "If you don't like living here, you can go live in the gutters with your real mother." That would usually shut me up on the subject for a good long while.

Looking back on it after all these years, I understand that my mom was pretty insecure, and probably was afraid that I would go looking for my birth mother and if I found her, my mom would be forgotten. She wouldn't have been, but I don't think she could believe that.

So much for for excuse number one. Stay tuned as I continue to try to figure out why it took me so long.

Not a Slam Dunk

So, because a formal adoption never took place, my birth records were not sealed. You see, in nearly all states, once a child is adopted they are given an amended birth certificate showing the adoptive parents as the parents of the child and the original birth certificate and all information relating to that child and his/her birth parents are sealed. Mine weren't. I was able to go to the vital records department in my county to get a copy of my original birth certificate.

Now, I have the names of my birth parents. Great, it should be fairly easy - a slam dunk - to find them. I've gotta tell ya, it wasn't and still isn't. I did eventually, after several years and lots of help from Search Angels, find a nephew of the man listed on my birth certificate as my birth father and I'll talk about my search for him in another blog.

My birth mother, however is a different story. I've been searching for more than 20 years for a Margaret Josephine Holliday. I was told that she was from the Utica, NY area, so I found phone numbers on several Hollidays in that area and asked if there was a person by that name in their families. Nope! Search Angles poured through directories in the Rochester, NY area and nothing. She should have shown up on the 1930 census as a child and nothing. I've inquired just about every where one could think of and no one by that name appears anywhere. Now, I know that I had a birth mother, I didn't just drop out of the sky did I?

So now, I'm thinking that maybe my birth mother used an alias - maybe for her last name, or maybe for her first and middle names, or for all three. It's like trying to find a needle in a hay stack as big as Texas. But I'm not giving up, after all I know I didn't just drop out of the sky.

Some Helpful Links

If you're beginning your own journey to reunite with a birth parent, sibling or adopted child, or birth relative, the first thing I would suggest is that you register with several registries and support groups. I recommend that you get yourself organized with a 3 ring binder include in it information on all of the registries that you signed up on with your dates of signing up and followups. Also include a list of contacts, including the dates you made contact.
This first registry I suggest is the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR). This is a non-profit, "mutual consent reunion registry for persons desiring a reunion with next-of-kin". That means that they have a data base of searches and when there is a match, they notify the parties of the match. This is the largest of the registries and have had matches from all over the world. There is no fee for this registry, but they do appreciate donations.
Their site can be found at: http://www.isrr.net/faq.shtml
The next registry is the Adoption Data Base. Again, this is a non-profit registry that notify you when they have a match. But beyond that, they also have a search and support group that is chock full of really nice helpful and supportive people. Their Search Angels have many success stories, and I found the support of the group to be very uplifting when I hit my lowest points. They also offer a No Find, No Fee Dedicated Search. This means that if you rather they do the searching, you give them a $25 Enrollment Fee and pay nothing more unless they "find", then you pay a low flat fee of $175. That's really not expensive at all when you consider that PI's get thousands of dollars for doing the same thing. They too charge no fee to sign up on the registry, but they also appreciate donations to cover the costs of keeping the site up and running.
They can be found at: http://www.adoptiondatabase.org/
Also, register with Adoption.com. This is also a free registry with over 300,000 records. You can register your information and also search to see if anyone is looking for you on this site.
If you were born and/or adopted in New York, I urge you to sign up with NYAdoptees. This is a group of members of the adoption triad who are dedicated to helping us all find our family members. This group is very well organized and can provide sound, helpful advice on navigating the cumbersome laws around adoptions in New York State. They are huge advocates for Adoptee's Rights. More than that, their Search Angels bend over backwards to help in searches. This group is also very supportive for anyone in the adoption triad. They can be found at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nyadoptees/
If you were born and adopted in NY State, go to the New York State Adoption Registry and download, print, fill out and mail in your registration. This is a mutual consent registry maintained by the New York State Department of Health. If they have a match, they will send each party a consent form that must be returned to them before they can release any information. If you are looking for a sibling who was born and adopted in NY, fill out the sibling form.
That's all for now, I will add more as time permits

My Beginning

I was born in 1948 in Rochester, NY.

This is my story as it was told to me by the folks who raised me: My birth mother met a lady named Lois either at the OBGYN's office or at the hospital while Lois was visiting someone else. Lois was a childhood friend of the mom who raised me. My birth mother told Lois that she would not be able to keep this baby and didn't know what to do. After my birth, Lois met my birth mother outside the doors of the hospital and took me home with her and called me Lois Ann.

After 6 or 7 months, for reasons unknown to me, Lois brought me to the folks who ended up raising me, Harold and Juanita. A formal adoption never took place, instead, these folks were declared legal guardians sometime before I started Kindergarten.

I was told that my birth mother had visited me off and on until I was the age of 4 or 5 when Harold drove her to the Greyhound bus station because she was on her way to Chicago.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my birth mother hadn't planned on leaving me forever, other wise, she would have signed relinquishment papers and she wouldn't have been visiting me for so long....just my thoughts.