What Took You So Long to Start Looking?

That's one question I frequently get asked. Here's the math: I've been searching for 20+ years and I'm sixty years old so I didn't really start searching until I was in my late 30's. For most of the 20+ years I've been searching, it was a half-hearted search; not the passionate full out search I'm doing now. But why? Why now and not sooner?

I wish I had and easy answer, but I don't. I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to answer that question. I can come up with a lot of reasons, but whether speaking them out loud or writing them down, they all sound like a bunch of excuses.

My guardian parents made me the center of their world from day one. I remember my guardian dad spending hours with me out in the garage teaching me how to make things out of wood, how to paint windows, how to change the oil on the car, teaching me how to drive (he was the most patient man in the world), taking me fishing and on and on. From him I learned several life lessons, including overcoming ones fears. As far as he was concerned, I was daddy's little girl even if I didn't share his genes. And to me he will always be my dad.

My guardian mom, though she was not a huggy kissy kind of mom, loved me, worried about my safety when my dad and I were off on our adventures, doted on me when I was sick, held me accountable when I misbehaved, taught me about gardening and sewing (but I just couldn't get the hang of knitting as much as she tried). From her, I also learned many life lessons, including taking responsibility for one's actions. As far as she was concerned, I was her daughter. And to me, she will always be my mom.

So was it out of respect for them that I waited so long to start searching in earnest? I don't think so because, although they were dedicated to being the best possible parents, I resented the fact that they knew who my birth mother was and wouldn't tell me.

As a teen girl, I asked my mom all sorts of questions about my birth mother. All she would tell me was that she looked something like me, was about my height, and could "get heavy if she let herself go". She said she thought my birth mother was from the Utica, NY area and that my birth mother used to visit me off and on until I was about 5 years old when my guardian dad drove her to the bus station as she was on her way to the Chicago area. If I pressed her with more questions, she would go into stories about my birth mother that made my birth mother look like a really bad person. If after that, I still continued to ask questions (I was kinda pushy with my questions), my guardian mom would quip "If you don't like living here, you can go live in the gutters with your real mother." That would usually shut me up on the subject for a good long while.

Looking back on it after all these years, I understand that my mom was pretty insecure, and probably was afraid that I would go looking for my birth mother and if I found her, my mom would be forgotten. She wouldn't have been, but I don't think she could believe that.

So much for for excuse number one. Stay tuned as I continue to try to figure out why it took me so long.