What Took You So Long to Start Looking?

That's one question I frequently get asked. Here's the math: I've been searching for 20+ years and I'm sixty years old so I didn't really start searching until I was in my late 30's. For most of the 20+ years I've been searching, it was a half-hearted search; not the passionate full out search I'm doing now. But why? Why now and not sooner?

I wish I had and easy answer, but I don't. I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to answer that question. I can come up with a lot of reasons, but whether speaking them out loud or writing them down, they all sound like a bunch of excuses.

My guardian parents made me the center of their world from day one. I remember my guardian dad spending hours with me out in the garage teaching me how to make things out of wood, how to paint windows, how to change the oil on the car, teaching me how to drive (he was the most patient man in the world), taking me fishing and on and on. From him I learned several life lessons, including overcoming ones fears. As far as he was concerned, I was daddy's little girl even if I didn't share his genes. And to me he will always be my dad.

My guardian mom, though she was not a huggy kissy kind of mom, loved me, worried about my safety when my dad and I were off on our adventures, doted on me when I was sick, held me accountable when I misbehaved, taught me about gardening and sewing (but I just couldn't get the hang of knitting as much as she tried). From her, I also learned many life lessons, including taking responsibility for one's actions. As far as she was concerned, I was her daughter. And to me, she will always be my mom.

So was it out of respect for them that I waited so long to start searching in earnest? I don't think so because, although they were dedicated to being the best possible parents, I resented the fact that they knew who my birth mother was and wouldn't tell me.

As a teen girl, I asked my mom all sorts of questions about my birth mother. All she would tell me was that she looked something like me, was about my height, and could "get heavy if she let herself go". She said she thought my birth mother was from the Utica, NY area and that my birth mother used to visit me off and on until I was about 5 years old when my guardian dad drove her to the bus station as she was on her way to the Chicago area. If I pressed her with more questions, she would go into stories about my birth mother that made my birth mother look like a really bad person. If after that, I still continued to ask questions (I was kinda pushy with my questions), my guardian mom would quip "If you don't like living here, you can go live in the gutters with your real mother." That would usually shut me up on the subject for a good long while.

Looking back on it after all these years, I understand that my mom was pretty insecure, and probably was afraid that I would go looking for my birth mother and if I found her, my mom would be forgotten. She wouldn't have been, but I don't think she could believe that.

So much for for excuse number one. Stay tuned as I continue to try to figure out why it took me so long.

Not a Slam Dunk

So, because a formal adoption never took place, my birth records were not sealed. You see, in nearly all states, once a child is adopted they are given an amended birth certificate showing the adoptive parents as the parents of the child and the original birth certificate and all information relating to that child and his/her birth parents are sealed. Mine weren't. I was able to go to the vital records department in my county to get a copy of my original birth certificate.

Now, I have the names of my birth parents. Great, it should be fairly easy - a slam dunk - to find them. I've gotta tell ya, it wasn't and still isn't. I did eventually, after several years and lots of help from Search Angels, find a nephew of the man listed on my birth certificate as my birth father and I'll talk about my search for him in another blog.

My birth mother, however is a different story. I've been searching for more than 20 years for a Margaret Josephine Holliday. I was told that she was from the Utica, NY area, so I found phone numbers on several Hollidays in that area and asked if there was a person by that name in their families. Nope! Search Angles poured through directories in the Rochester, NY area and nothing. She should have shown up on the 1930 census as a child and nothing. I've inquired just about every where one could think of and no one by that name appears anywhere. Now, I know that I had a birth mother, I didn't just drop out of the sky did I?

So now, I'm thinking that maybe my birth mother used an alias - maybe for her last name, or maybe for her first and middle names, or for all three. It's like trying to find a needle in a hay stack as big as Texas. But I'm not giving up, after all I know I didn't just drop out of the sky.

Some Helpful Links

If you're beginning your own journey to reunite with a birth parent, sibling or adopted child, or birth relative, the first thing I would suggest is that you register with several registries and support groups. I recommend that you get yourself organized with a 3 ring binder include in it information on all of the registries that you signed up on with your dates of signing up and followups. Also include a list of contacts, including the dates you made contact.
This first registry I suggest is the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR). This is a non-profit, "mutual consent reunion registry for persons desiring a reunion with next-of-kin". That means that they have a data base of searches and when there is a match, they notify the parties of the match. This is the largest of the registries and have had matches from all over the world. There is no fee for this registry, but they do appreciate donations.
Their site can be found at: http://www.isrr.net/faq.shtml
The next registry is the Adoption Data Base. Again, this is a non-profit registry that notify you when they have a match. But beyond that, they also have a search and support group that is chock full of really nice helpful and supportive people. Their Search Angels have many success stories, and I found the support of the group to be very uplifting when I hit my lowest points. They also offer a No Find, No Fee Dedicated Search. This means that if you rather they do the searching, you give them a $25 Enrollment Fee and pay nothing more unless they "find", then you pay a low flat fee of $175. That's really not expensive at all when you consider that PI's get thousands of dollars for doing the same thing. They too charge no fee to sign up on the registry, but they also appreciate donations to cover the costs of keeping the site up and running.
They can be found at: http://www.adoptiondatabase.org/
Also, register with Adoption.com. This is also a free registry with over 300,000 records. You can register your information and also search to see if anyone is looking for you on this site.
If you were born and/or adopted in New York, I urge you to sign up with NYAdoptees. This is a group of members of the adoption triad who are dedicated to helping us all find our family members. This group is very well organized and can provide sound, helpful advice on navigating the cumbersome laws around adoptions in New York State. They are huge advocates for Adoptee's Rights. More than that, their Search Angels bend over backwards to help in searches. This group is also very supportive for anyone in the adoption triad. They can be found at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nyadoptees/
If you were born and adopted in NY State, go to the New York State Adoption Registry and download, print, fill out and mail in your registration. This is a mutual consent registry maintained by the New York State Department of Health. If they have a match, they will send each party a consent form that must be returned to them before they can release any information. If you are looking for a sibling who was born and adopted in NY, fill out the sibling form.
That's all for now, I will add more as time permits

My Beginning

I was born in 1948 in Rochester, NY.

This is my story as it was told to me by the folks who raised me: My birth mother met a lady named Lois either at the OBGYN's office or at the hospital while Lois was visiting someone else. Lois was a childhood friend of the mom who raised me. My birth mother told Lois that she would not be able to keep this baby and didn't know what to do. After my birth, Lois met my birth mother outside the doors of the hospital and took me home with her and called me Lois Ann.

After 6 or 7 months, for reasons unknown to me, Lois brought me to the folks who ended up raising me, Harold and Juanita. A formal adoption never took place, instead, these folks were declared legal guardians sometime before I started Kindergarten.

I was told that my birth mother had visited me off and on until I was the age of 4 or 5 when Harold drove her to the Greyhound bus station because she was on her way to Chicago.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my birth mother hadn't planned on leaving me forever, other wise, she would have signed relinquishment papers and she wouldn't have been visiting me for so long....just my thoughts.