Not a Slam Dunk, Part II

Now that I've told my story of the search for my birth mother in the first "Not a Slam Dunk", I'll tell about my search for my birth father.

Because my birth name was Baby Girl Colwall, I assumed that my birth father's last name was Colwall, but initially, I didn't have a first name. Once I found out what his first name was, I started searching phone directories in my local area for him. Since this was prior to the ability to do "people searches" via the Internet, I had to rely on information operators doing look-ups for me. In 1991 I called an information operator in New York state, and explained that I didn't know what city to look in but I was looking for a phone number for an Everett George ColwAll. She came back saying that she couldn't find an Everett George ColwAll, but found an Everett G. ColwEll in Parish NY and she gave me the number.

I nervously dialed the number. When the gentleman answered, I naively told him that I was looking for my birth parents and did he know a Margaret Josephine Holliday. The reason I say naively is because after all these years of searching, I've learned that it's not a good idea to blind side someone with that you think he/she is your birth parent and you should never tell a third party who answers the phone that you think the person you are calling about is your birth parent. There are several reasons why, and I will talk about them in another blog. Anyway, Mr. Everett George Colwell sort of chuckled, said something about his wife's name not being Margaret and there were no Margarets in his Colwell family. He offered to have his then 80+ year old mother, Alma, send me a list of the Colwell women in his family to prove that there were no Margaret's in his family.

The letter with the list arrived about a week later. Sure enough, there were no Margarets listed. Alma then went into detail about who in the Colwell family was buried where and where to go in their county to get more genealogy information if that would help me find my birth mother. Thanks Alma, I really appreciate your efforts, and it was so sweet of you to do that, but that wasn't what I had asked your son.

I sort of thought that just maybe I had talked with my birth father, but because he didn't give any indication one way or another, and because his last name was spelled a little differently than my birth name, and because I hadn't really checked to see if there were other Everett George Colwalls in other states, I thought I would leave this one alone for a while. I didn't want to make trouble for him if it turned out he wasn't my birth father. He was married. I didn't know if he was married before I was conceived or after, but if he was married before, it could make trouble between him and his wife. She might wonder if he was fooling around on her. I left finding my birth father alone and started focusing more on finding my birth mother.

Fast forward to the early 2000's. By now searching on the Internet was more common and user friendly. I posted on places like Ancestry.com and other genealogy sites. Then I started learning about web sites for adoptees who were searching and posted on several of them. I started again looking for an Everett George ColwAll. Couldn't find a single ColwAll in the country except one or two who died in the 1700 and 1800's. Search Angles started sending me listings for and Everett George ColwEll, but the listings showed him as having died in Tennessee. I kept thinking that "this couldn't be him, my Everett wouldn't be in Tennessee because my birth certificate said that he was New York born and bred (how dumb is that?), and his age didn't match at all what my birth certificate said he would be." My birth certificate said that he was 32 at the time of my birth. This guy would have only been 24 at the time of my birth.

I dug in harder looking for either an Everett George ColwAll or Everett George ColwEll. I had Search Angels and other people investigating for me and with me. None of us could come up with another Everett George ColwAll or ColwEll. We tried different variations of spelling the last name and still couldn't come up with anyone. Every one kept coming back to me with this same person.

Finally, I relented and decided to try to locate a member of the family of this Everett. After a few weeks and with the help of a couple of Search Angels, I was able to locate a nephew of Everett's.

Again, I nervously dialed the phone; this time thinking that I could actually be speaking with a cousin I had never known. The gentleman on the other end WAS Everett's nephew. He said that he knew his uncle quite well as Everett had sort of taken him under his wing when the nephew was a young boy. I knew that I was breaking a cardinal rule about not revealing to third parties that the person you were looking for was your birth parent. But this guy seemed so kind, friendly and non judgemental. I told myself that Everett and Alma were gone and if his Everett was my birth father, I wanted to be up front with him right off the bat. It was a gamble that could have back fired in a big way, but fortunately it didn't.

We talked a while, and he told me that it was quite possible that his Everett could be my birth father because Everett did have a few girl friends before he settled down to get married late in life. Everett and his wife did not have any children together. He also said that Everett's wife was quite a few years older than Everett. So now I'm thinking "that could explain the discrepancy in age on my birth certificate. Maybe my birth mother was older than he and he lied about his age to make it look like he was the older one". Back in the "40's and '50's it was a big deal that the man be older than the woman.

The nephew gave me a little Colwell family history. The family originated in Ireland. He told me that Everett had a brother who had passed away and a sister who was still alive (she is gone now).

Unfortunately, nephew didn't know any names of Everett's girlfriends. The only one still alive who might remember the girlfriends names was Everett's sister. The only problem was that Evelyn thought the world of Everett and couldn't bear to think that he wasn't a virgin when he got married, little lone having an illegitimate child. So to bring news to her that one had come crawling out of the woodwork, well you get the picture.

Nephew emailed me a few pictures of Everett and two of his girlfriends and I emailed him a few pictures of myself. He showed my pictures to some of his family and they reported "You look like you could be a Cowell". I don't see a huge resemblance of Everett in me, but one of the girlfriends has many of my features. Maybe? Just maybe? Could she be my Margaret? And, if she was my birth mother, then would that mean that Everett was indeed my birth father? Nephew tried to find out the names of the ladies in the pictures, but no one knew. All that was on the backs of the pictures was "Everett" or "Everett and girlfriend". Drat!! Foiled again!!

I sent away to the Social Security Administration for a copy of Everett's card application. You can do that for a $27 fee if the person is deceased. It can give you information on a person's date and location of birth, parent's names and mother's maiden name. I got that back and right around the same time, I received a copy of some of Everett's military records. As I was browsing through the documents, I discovered that Everett had been in the military for 4 years, out for a few years, then back in for 4 more years. During that middle time he was out of the military, he was working in Syracuse not far from where I was told that my birth mother was from. He was in that area at the time I was conceived. "Well", I thought, "the time frame certainly fits". Then I was going through the documents again and I saw it! His signature! His own handwriting! My knees almost buckled! His handwriting matched mine to a tee! Exactly! I had never in my life seen any one's hand writing look like mine. I looked at the application for his Social Security card. There it was again, his signature looking exactly like mine. He had printed out the rest of the form and lo and behold his printing looked just like mine did when I was in my early 20's. That awkward, I'd rather be doing this in cursive kind of printing. It was block printing just like I did before I worked on trying to make my printing look more like cursive letters only not connected.

I PDFed Nephew a copy of the documents and told him about the handwriting thing. His comment was "One more piece of proof that he's your father." I am 99.9% sure that this Everett is my birth father. Of course, the only way to be 100% sure is through a DNA test. Unfortunately, at this time there are no tests that can for sure determine if Nephew and I are cousins. Everett's sister passed away this past June. But even if she were still alive, there are no DNA tests that would prove 100% that she is my aunt. When that technology comes out, you bet I will be first in line for the testing.

What Took You So Long to Start Looking?

That's one question I frequently get asked. Here's the math: I've been searching for 20+ years and I'm sixty years old so I didn't really start searching until I was in my late 30's. For most of the 20+ years I've been searching, it was a half-hearted search; not the passionate full out search I'm doing now. But why? Why now and not sooner?

I wish I had and easy answer, but I don't. I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to answer that question. I can come up with a lot of reasons, but whether speaking them out loud or writing them down, they all sound like a bunch of excuses.

My guardian parents made me the center of their world from day one. I remember my guardian dad spending hours with me out in the garage teaching me how to make things out of wood, how to paint windows, how to change the oil on the car, teaching me how to drive (he was the most patient man in the world), taking me fishing and on and on. From him I learned several life lessons, including overcoming ones fears. As far as he was concerned, I was daddy's little girl even if I didn't share his genes. And to me he will always be my dad.

My guardian mom, though she was not a huggy kissy kind of mom, loved me, worried about my safety when my dad and I were off on our adventures, doted on me when I was sick, held me accountable when I misbehaved, taught me about gardening and sewing (but I just couldn't get the hang of knitting as much as she tried). From her, I also learned many life lessons, including taking responsibility for one's actions. As far as she was concerned, I was her daughter. And to me, she will always be my mom.

So was it out of respect for them that I waited so long to start searching in earnest? I don't think so because, although they were dedicated to being the best possible parents, I resented the fact that they knew who my birth mother was and wouldn't tell me.

As a teen girl, I asked my mom all sorts of questions about my birth mother. All she would tell me was that she looked something like me, was about my height, and could "get heavy if she let herself go". She said she thought my birth mother was from the Utica, NY area and that my birth mother used to visit me off and on until I was about 5 years old when my guardian dad drove her to the bus station as she was on her way to the Chicago area. If I pressed her with more questions, she would go into stories about my birth mother that made my birth mother look like a really bad person. If after that, I still continued to ask questions (I was kinda pushy with my questions), my guardian mom would quip "If you don't like living here, you can go live in the gutters with your real mother." That would usually shut me up on the subject for a good long while.

Looking back on it after all these years, I understand that my mom was pretty insecure, and probably was afraid that I would go looking for my birth mother and if I found her, my mom would be forgotten. She wouldn't have been, but I don't think she could believe that.

So much for for excuse number one. Stay tuned as I continue to try to figure out why it took me so long.

Not a Slam Dunk

So, because a formal adoption never took place, my birth records were not sealed. You see, in nearly all states, once a child is adopted they are given an amended birth certificate showing the adoptive parents as the parents of the child and the original birth certificate and all information relating to that child and his/her birth parents are sealed. Mine weren't. I was able to go to the vital records department in my county to get a copy of my original birth certificate.

Now, I have the names of my birth parents. Great, it should be fairly easy - a slam dunk - to find them. I've gotta tell ya, it wasn't and still isn't. I did eventually, after several years and lots of help from Search Angels, find a nephew of the man listed on my birth certificate as my birth father and I'll talk about my search for him in another blog.

My birth mother, however is a different story. I've been searching for more than 20 years for a Margaret Josephine Holliday. I was told that she was from the Utica, NY area, so I found phone numbers on several Hollidays in that area and asked if there was a person by that name in their families. Nope! Search Angles poured through directories in the Rochester, NY area and nothing. She should have shown up on the 1930 census as a child and nothing. I've inquired just about every where one could think of and no one by that name appears anywhere. Now, I know that I had a birth mother, I didn't just drop out of the sky did I?

So now, I'm thinking that maybe my birth mother used an alias - maybe for her last name, or maybe for her first and middle names, or for all three. It's like trying to find a needle in a hay stack as big as Texas. But I'm not giving up, after all I know I didn't just drop out of the sky.

Some Helpful Links

If you're beginning your own journey to reunite with a birth parent, sibling or adopted child, or birth relative, the first thing I would suggest is that you register with several registries and support groups. I recommend that you get yourself organized with a 3 ring binder include in it information on all of the registries that you signed up on with your dates of signing up and followups. Also include a list of contacts, including the dates you made contact.
This first registry I suggest is the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR). This is a non-profit, "mutual consent reunion registry for persons desiring a reunion with next-of-kin". That means that they have a data base of searches and when there is a match, they notify the parties of the match. This is the largest of the registries and have had matches from all over the world. There is no fee for this registry, but they do appreciate donations.
Their site can be found at: http://www.isrr.net/faq.shtml
The next registry is the Adoption Data Base. Again, this is a non-profit registry that notify you when they have a match. But beyond that, they also have a search and support group that is chock full of really nice helpful and supportive people. Their Search Angels have many success stories, and I found the support of the group to be very uplifting when I hit my lowest points. They also offer a No Find, No Fee Dedicated Search. This means that if you rather they do the searching, you give them a $25 Enrollment Fee and pay nothing more unless they "find", then you pay a low flat fee of $175. That's really not expensive at all when you consider that PI's get thousands of dollars for doing the same thing. They too charge no fee to sign up on the registry, but they also appreciate donations to cover the costs of keeping the site up and running.
They can be found at: http://www.adoptiondatabase.org/
Also, register with Adoption.com. This is also a free registry with over 300,000 records. You can register your information and also search to see if anyone is looking for you on this site.
If you were born and/or adopted in New York, I urge you to sign up with NYAdoptees. This is a group of members of the adoption triad who are dedicated to helping us all find our family members. This group is very well organized and can provide sound, helpful advice on navigating the cumbersome laws around adoptions in New York State. They are huge advocates for Adoptee's Rights. More than that, their Search Angels bend over backwards to help in searches. This group is also very supportive for anyone in the adoption triad. They can be found at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nyadoptees/
If you were born and adopted in NY State, go to the New York State Adoption Registry and download, print, fill out and mail in your registration. This is a mutual consent registry maintained by the New York State Department of Health. If they have a match, they will send each party a consent form that must be returned to them before they can release any information. If you are looking for a sibling who was born and adopted in NY, fill out the sibling form.
That's all for now, I will add more as time permits

My Beginning

I was born in 1948 in Rochester, NY.

This is my story as it was told to me by the folks who raised me: My birth mother met a lady named Lois either at the OBGYN's office or at the hospital while Lois was visiting someone else. Lois was a childhood friend of the mom who raised me. My birth mother told Lois that she would not be able to keep this baby and didn't know what to do. After my birth, Lois met my birth mother outside the doors of the hospital and took me home with her and called me Lois Ann.

After 6 or 7 months, for reasons unknown to me, Lois brought me to the folks who ended up raising me, Harold and Juanita. A formal adoption never took place, instead, these folks were declared legal guardians sometime before I started Kindergarten.

I was told that my birth mother had visited me off and on until I was the age of 4 or 5 when Harold drove her to the Greyhound bus station because she was on her way to Chicago.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my birth mother hadn't planned on leaving me forever, other wise, she would have signed relinquishment papers and she wouldn't have been visiting me for so long....just my thoughts.